500 cigarettes
Go back?
Me and my bifurcating pulmonary airways generations one through to twenty three kindly gift my 500 cigarettes a race track for their carcinogens to do laps around. In polluting my oxygen intake and out with my equally undesirable carbon dioxide, a treat for being so diligent. The filter-to-lip ritual indulges an oral fixation and indulges something phallic. Instead of dirtying my throat with spiritually lewd semen it’s the physically naughty taboo of tobacco.
I smoked in complete silence, sitting on the curb of my driveway with a $24.50 secondhand textbook reading about lung compliance. I got giddy thinking about all the scarring I must have, my nice stiff lungs that don’t stretch like they’re meant to. I hope i die. In an 8 AM lecture on the pulmonary circuit I had an unbearable craving to start smoking again. Diagrams of autopsies, collapsed lungs and the little bubbles of alveolis under a microscope. i smell like it too,even after a shower. My nails smell really really bad and so does my breath, I drink a white monster to wash it down and shred at my cavities even more. The other day i picked at some plaque and pressed on a nerve that made my eyes white out and think of a longterm relationship with the whirr of a dentist’s drill. I never really cared for consequences, since i can deal with anything.
Behind the backings of a vertical & default labret is that nasty little taste. It’s kind of awesome though. I love chemicals. I hadn’t smoked since I think march , but it doesn’t really matter. I always knew I’d probably go back. I’ve never been offput by the symptoms of withdrawal in quitting. I hsve no compulsion to addiction. Sometimes i think of how marijuana made me a hallucinating, slack-jawed drooling retard and how horribly everyone treated me and think of going back to it aswell. I miss amphetamines and drinking. All those things made me look and sound super rapable which is now a nostalgic event too. In that way, it’s more of a longing for a simpler time than falling to psychological or physical pitfalls, I guess. Ive never hated myself and other people more than when I smoked. Not to say withdrawal isn’t unpleasant, I always feel like shit when I smoke. It’s something I can ignore like all the other pain and discomfort ijn my life, tho.
On why i decided to smoke again;; to me it’s like, I could slit my wrists like a faggot or do something awesome that I enjoy. I smoke 5 billion TRILLION cigarettes. Genus;; 20 pack of Stradbroke Golds And they were $32.00 , the lady at the checkout said she liked the Asa pin on my backpack. I said thank you and I still go back to that place hoping I'll see her again. I smoked a couple on my porch with my friend. We talked about illness and i killedher a billion times in my head, the frustration that she’d never understand my horrible life and she could never be as sick as me.
I feel really depressed lately. It’s like I haven’t been able to do anything at all. I’ve been feeling pretty manic for a while in all the ways that cut me off from reality and now Im staring down at the precipice of another major depressiv e episode. I love being manic. It feels terrible ,but its awesome, unavoidable and it derails my life in a way i just have to take each thrust of Sc ary evil thoughts and restlessness and hallucinatory effect like a yaoi uke. I hate being depressed. It’s hopeless and Ive just taught myself to more-or-less ignore it . This is a helpful feeling, I get to pursue happiness and free myself from the psychiatric rape that medication and millenial therapists love to perform, but it makes the times i DO get seriously depressed really lame. Im so confident and vain,Its embarrassing to double down to being a hideous rotting thing . All these friends i want to talk to more but theres this wall between us . These arent real feelings. I m being female brained. and I guess thats the stem of things, feeling like a woman. I hate it. It’s a hole i cant crawl out of. I think of myself as a cute tomboy i observe and touch on with my mean evil observations. I give myself a boner but when i relax my face to stop being moe and kind looking i see the evil in myheart looking back at me, and it giv es me a little bit of hope i could really really be male. Hooded eyes that most of my friends dont even know i really have. Thats just another little secret i keep about myself, hehe. My hrt .. 500 cigarettes .
Being depressed doesnt change my ambition. I set up my life so there;s no other choice but to keep living, and to excel. I guess its just the insular aspect of feeling exhausted and terrible that makes me sad… how long has it beens ince i thought to myself Wow i m completely alone? Not that long. I guess itll just be my life. Hopefully i stop being a chud and grow out of it
